"ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

"ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

When this type of question is asked, there is every tendency you may be tempted to take it in an offensive way. However, the essence is just to put a check on our unconscious emotional activities.

Yes I understand you might as well say you do not engage in affairs outside your relationship/marriage. Which brings us to understanding the concept of emotional affair.

Emotional affair does not involve sexual intercourse. It can happen to people who are in courtship or engaged or married but who are very fond of someone else, who is not their spouse. This is relationship build up gradually but if care is not taken, it can lead to a full blown sexual affair.

The online Dictionary conceptualizes it thus:
" An emotional affair is an affair between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of an affair while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is often colloquially referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship outside the relationship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment. What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship - with regards to confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need".

Emotional affair does not only happen to people in faulty or unhappy marriages. It can happen to happy couples, morally sound people and deeply spiritual individuals who love God with all their hearts and hate sin. It can even happen to great men and women of God. The point is it has no boundaries or respect for persons.

How then does one fall into emotional affair?

Emotional affair is not easy to detect at the beginning. It often starts as plain, platonic friendship with the opposite sex whom you exchange ideas with or find admirable. This individual can be a colleague at work, a fellow worker at church, a course mate, the secretary/P.A to the boss at the office or the next door neighbour, business partners, account officer, facebook friend and much more. They are individuals you find attractive and enjoy discussing with. You soon discover that you both share some things in common, at times your closeness to them might be due to how the fact that they care about you and listen to you and on this grounds you pitch your tent. If you treat them like you treat any normal friends with no strings attached, there would be no problem but if you are SECRETLY fond of them, there is a BIG problem.

NOTABLE FEATURES

• Inappropriate emotional intimacy
• Deception and secrecy.
• Sexual and emotional chemistry
• Increased Quarrels/ fighting with the real partner. 
• Denial

Emotional affair starts rearing its ugly head when you are always eager to see them, anxious to hear from them and you feel sad if a day passes without getting in touch with them.

It escalates when you begin sharing deep personal issues, especially relational or marital problems and you find their words very soothing -it's like Valium, you can't sleep without it.

It progresses when there is subtle flirty compliments, sweet names calling, exchange of recent pictures via social media and you never deemed it fit to discourage them. In fact, you love it and always look forward to hearing more from them.

You idolize them while comparing them with your spouse who always falls short. You see them as your comforter, healer and the only one who UNDERSTANDS you.

You begin to keep your conversations with them a secret from your spouse and deny every accusation of having any affair with them (since you are not having sex).

You have chemistry with them which often arouse you sexually, especially when thinking about them or talking to them.

It is at this point you should, PULL A BRAKE!!!

You are threading on a very dangerous path while consoling yourself that you are not having sexual relationship. Most people, do not plan cheating or getting into adultery. it "just" happened when all red flags are ignored.

Face the fact that your relationship or marriage is getting sick that is why you are attracted to someone else and fix the problem. If you do not deal with your relationship or marital issues, you will keep maintaining this affair and end up sleeping with them and that is the beginning of the end of your relationship or marriage.

Pull back from that person and avoid discussing anything personal with them henceforth.

Come clean to your spouse and let them know you are getting attracted to someone else and you need their help. (You don't need to give them the full detail of your attraction).

Stop all chats, be very polite with their calls or ignore their calls altogether if you get tempted to go back. However, if you know your partner would take it the wrong way seek for counsel else where. More than anything you need to first report this situation to God. Tell him to help you not to get into any relationship that would break your home. Try to make your spouse your best friend, I understand it is not easy but a trial would help you.

Understand why you fell into emotional affair and take precautions lest you fall into another one.

FACTS:

• Know that you are human and it is very possible to feel attracted towards the opposite sex, hence you may need to be careful with your object of attraction.
• Set boundaries.
• Do not entertain ungodly relationships.
• Have a full understanding of emotional affair and protect your heart from being tempted.
• Remember the Yoruba saying; Ohun ti a ko bá niije, a kí fii run'mu. (Do not smell what you are not interested in eating).
• Always evualuate your life style and your relatioships.

Take charge of your life, do not leave your relationships to chance. Else, somehow you may loose your guide and eventually you might fall prey of what you judge others.

Thank you for reading Olola's tale today.

Contributor: Mr Samuel "BariJesus"