Depression and Reward System For Intentional Parenting.

Depression and Reward System For Intentional Parenting

You will agree with me that parenting is never an easy task, no matter the support systems put in place. However, the two situations struck me recently.

I had a conversation with Mr Andrea, a parent who mentioned his daughter Jane, engaged in the just concluded Joint Admission and Matriculations Board (JAMB). He was devastated when he heard her score: 235. His grievance was that she is in the same school that tutored the best student in 2019 JAMB: the Boy had 386 yet his own daughter Jane could bearly make a good grade. According to him after his outburst, he checked online and realised that results were generally not excellent this year hence he had a relieve that Jane had tried.

At this point I stepped in and asked: Sir, so what did you say to her afterwards? 

Mr Andrea: Well, nothing. We need to proceed with the admission process. 

Now his response felt like hot water poured on my skin. I felt terrible and looked him in the face that "sir please, you need to go back and apologize to Jane. Assure her of your love for her and that you know she did her best even though you had expected better". I made him understand the hazard of not appreciating a child whom you deprived of comfort, access to phone, television and other pleasures just for her to focus on the examinations. Then the grades her out and you make her feel worthless and to make it worse, you compared Jane with other students in her class who had higher grades. This could even damage her self esteem and go into depression. Mr Andrea was quiet for some minutes, after which he confirmed that he noticed Jane has become withdrawn but he never thought it had anything to do with his last conversation with her.

As if that wasn,t enough, I got a call from Mrs Joe, the mum of 16 years old Ian, who had scored 286 in the same Jamb and the mum was so excited that she kept saying "my son this and my son that". She wanted to make an enquiry about the contact I had in a particular school, to enable her to process his admission.

I was equally excited as I probed further to ask the same question about what reward she had given Ian. To my amazement, her reward system was to process the admission and pay the school fees.

Wow! Is that really a reward? 

No please, I need your input here,. Is that a reward? 

At a time when some children are committing suicide just because they failed the class test, could not get good grades in Jamb or feel irrelevant to the society, then we parents feel paying the school fees and providing the needs of the child is enough to keep the world going smooth. I tell No! it is never enough.

Sometimes we compare the parenting of our parents with ours and say we are doing better. I tell you, we are trying but we can still do better.

It is one thing to correct a child when she does wrong and it is another thing, to appreciate the child when she does right. You kill the child's self-esteem when you just keep comparing them to their mates who are excellent at things or when you give no reward for good deeds and exceptional performance in school. The theory of carrot and stick is very crucial in intentional parenting.

Depression is fast becoming a common development among young people and our inability to appreciate our children can also be a cause.

 I am more concerned about the reward system that we set in place as parents, I told the two parent I spoke with, that I would follow up on them to see if they have said, "thank you, my girl, or thank you, my boy, for studying well" 

My take out is that as parents we need to develop our rewards systems, to make our teenager and children our friends through our words of affirmation. This will not only assure them of our love but will help them do better.

REWARDS SYSTEMS 

• Say thank you to her: Words of affirmation does more magic than gifts at times.
• Take them out
• Have a family outing
• Have a play date
• Get them a choice gift
• Go shopping
• Go on Vacation
• Make a deal with them
• Cook their favourite meal

A loving pat on the back will keep our children strong enough to face the storms of life.

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