YOUR DAUGHTER: WHEN SHE IS NOT TALKING TO YOU
WHEN SHE IS NOT TALKING TO YOU
I welcome you all to Tales by Olola, a blog where we discuss topical issues, share opinions and help one another to be re-positioned, in other to live a purposeful life. I am your loyal host, Olabusola Olorunnowo
Yes Who Does She Confides In
Having done a brief research on this subject, it so happens that some school of thought believe it is wrong to be your child's friend while the second school of thought subscribe to been your child's friend and cheerleader rather than just a coach. However, in doing justice to this discourse, it is important to note that there is a need for balancing in your attempt to be your daughter's friend and her parent.
The girl child requires not just spiritual and academical enlightenment but also emotional enlightenment and support. In times of building a home, it is not hard to find young ladies growing into marriageable age with little or no understanding of adequate preparation for marriage and the need to date, who she should date and much more. The mass media: movies among others and social media has reprogrammed the minds of young people in recent times about marriage and in a situation where the parents are not there to set the proper boundaries, core values and belief system then such a girl may become a societal challenge in future.
In the same vein there are scenarios where the parent were not there emotionally for the girl child while growing up hence they do not have an incline into who influences their child. This i would say turns out into a dilemma, in most cases as the belief system, pattern of life and values of the child is already formed by peer groups, the media, the society etc.
This brings us to the purpose of this article, if she is not talking or relating with you, then who is she talking to. This does not mean our daughters should not confide or speak with other people. However, it is just a pointer to ensuring they weight their conversations with the good values and morals that they have inculcated from home.
Another dimension to this whole issue is when some parents are too busy providing the basic amenities for the home and the child is at the mercy of everyone. It should not amaze you that some parents run their homes like the Government does to the nation. They simply provide the resources needed by each constituency(provision of basic amenities). Then some day you see the parent asking the child, " You don't even talk to us about your marriage plans, don't you have plans to get married, okay i want us to discuss about your admirers".
Well am sorry Sir, and Ma, it is not rocket science. If you were not there for her as a friend while growing up, you may not find it easy getting into her emotional schedule because you have not always been her confidant.
It is often said that, "it takes two to tango', and that is how relationship is built. We need to be involved in our children's lives to an extent. We need to have a growing relationship with our daughters. Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D, psychologist and co-author of I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, sees three primary complaints that daughters have about their moms:
Moms try to parent them and are overly critical and demanding. From moms’ perspective, daughters don’t listen to them, make poor choices and have no time for them. Events and circumstances should not make parents loose theirs daughters' trust to complete strangers. Here are some basic reasons:
- When you judge her or do not give her a benefit of doubt
- When you seem too tough to relate with
- when you don't respect her space
- When she finds it hard to trust you or be listened to
- When your support is not there when she falls
- When you make it seem she is the reason you are working or not enjoying your money
- When you have too high an expectation of her and don't her to make mistake
- Less desire for friendship& intimacy
- When your career overrides your relationship
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Parents and guardians are advised not to wait until their daughters are in their 20's or 30's before desiring the friendship of your daughter. She needs your instruction, direction, caution, love, attention, care, affection, compliment, jest, interrogation and all she can get now. She needs that friendly personality of a cheer leader in her mum sometimes. A woman would always need a firm but soft touch, a firm yet tender-hearted. She needs to know what she needs to know first from you then the information from other people wont taunt or derail her.
Gabrielle Moss concludes that, "children who are estranged from their parents can often feel like motivation enough to just shut up and suffer in silence. As someone who grew up the only child of an extremely toxic mom (and continues to have the mental health issues as a result". In fact, a 2014 study published by the American Psychological Association found that children who only suffered from emotional abuse experienced the same rates of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and suicidal impulses as children who had suffered physical and sexual abuse.
Our society then allows a good number of young women to grow up without proper enlighten about preparation for dating or marriage proper. Their parents only groom them to be good Christians and educated ladies while their knowledge of handling emotional crisis, why marry and who to marry is vague. It is to no amazement, that some have gone into marriages because the society, parents or situation prompted it without understanding the concept of this institution. Yet, It is not equally hard to find some of these parent who did not groom such children in this respect, expect a wedding date without delay.
The Story of Telema is a lesson...
Telema grew up with educated and working class parents who were able to give Telema and her siblings the "best upbringing". Every parent see their effort as the best especially when compared to their experience with their own parents. However, despite the good education one thing was lacking which was a relationship between Telema and her parents. There was provision for all she needed but adequate information as regards what a lady should know were missing. According to Telema " I had my first menstrual cycle with the help of my class mates". My mum only knew later when i stole my big sister's sanitary towel, then she had to intervene by saying ''have you started it". My relationship with opposite sex was vehemently discouraged with the notion that men are wicked and they could get me pregnant until i got to school and learnt from peers"... All these went on until Telema decided to get into a relationship with her first boyfriend at 24 years but was warned against it. Now she is in her late 30's but with a mouth watering job and a good apartment, in the heart of Abuja. Unfortunately, Telema's parent now complain, she is evasive and not discussing her marital challenge with them. How sad!
You
can not be seeking for friendship from someone you were always playing the boss
with. When your child sees you as a god, a captain or Margaret Thatcher then your method of parenting might do more harm than good. Take a minute to examine yourself. Are you a servant-leader, a leader, a friend, a teacher, a solder or a captain to your child. If they crave to have you absent all the time or most of the times then you may need to evaluate your method of parenting. There is more to parenting than provision of basic needs. Your children at times need to see and feel your pains. The need to be able to confide in you. If not you have given them approval to seek for Councillors else where.
Suffix to say that if she is not talking to you then she is either talking to her peers or some other individuals whom you would never have approved off. More to worry about is the content or value of the information been inculcated into your child.
More to come on this subject...
Thank you for your time.
REF:
Peg Streep, Author of Mean Mothers
Gabrella Moss, Six signs you have a Toxic mum
Residual
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